Imago Relationship Therapy - Life & Relationship Coaches - Janis McCann PhD & David McCann PhD

December 2006
‘Tis the Season to be jolly . . . and stressed!
by David McCann, Ph.D. & Janis McCann, Ph.D.

Is there a part of you that secretly dreads the coming of the holiday season? If so, you are admitting to a syndrome that is common among your fellow Americans, known as the “Holiday Blues.”

For most of us the holiday season is a time full of joy, cheer, parties, and family gatherings. Yet, for many of us it can be a time of self-evaluation, loneliness, reflection on past failures, and anxiety about an uncertain future.

Many factors can bring on the “holiday blues”: stress, fatigue, unrealistic expectations, over-commercialization, financial constraints, and the inability to be with family and friends. Moreover, the demands of shopping, parties, family reunions, and house guests, can also contribute to feelings of tension. And if we do not become depressed, we may develop other stress responses, such as headaches, excessive drinking, over-eating, and difficulty sleeping. Remarkably, the American Mental Health Association tells us that even more people experience a post-holiday let-down that typically descends after the New Year. Such a let-down can result from disappointments during the preceding months, which, compounded with the excess fatigue and stress, can really bring on more depression.

We can keep expectations for the holiday season manageable. We can try to set realistic goals for ourselves. We can pace ourselves. Organize our time. Make a list and assign priorities to our most important activities. (Assigning priorities means asking ourselves honestly: Is this really the most important activity I am devoting my time and energy to? Am I leaving me and my greatest sense of enjoyment and relaxation out of the equation? Maybe this is the year to go off with my spouse alone for that sorely needed romantic time alone, and let the family fare for themselves for one of the holiday meals.) Be realistic about what we can and cannot do. Not put our entire focus on just one day (Thanksgiving Day, for instance), and remember that it is a season of holiday festivities, and activities can be spread over time to lessen stress and increase enjoyment.

We can remember the holiday season does not banish reasons for feeling sad or lonely; if such feelings emerge, it may be that they are bringing up unfinished business from our childhood, or from previous relationships. Our “old brain” has a way of bringing up old pains and sorrows we experienced because of unmet needs and desires in childhood, and asking us to repair the damage. How do we do that? By recommitting to our partners and our loved ones, by caring, valuing, respecting them. And if we know how to dialogue with them, we can practice the principles we learned in Imago Relationship Therapy. If we have not been to an Imago workshop, or actually learned the principles of the New ERA of loving (Empathy – Respect – Authenticity) the holiday season might be as good as any to renew our commitment to ourselves, and to our significant others, by attending the Couple’s Workshop (“Getting the Love You Want”), or the Individual’s Workshop (“Keeping the Love You Find”.)
We can leave “yesteryear” in the past and look toward the future. The trouble with the Past and our comparing today with the “good old days” is that we human beings have a tendency to engage in selective forgetting; that is, we tend to idealize the good stuff and repress the bad. Even those of us who had reasonably good and safe childhoods idealize the good and the parents who supposedly supplied us with all that good. Why do we distort our pasts? Obviously, because we want to accentuate the good, so that we can forget the painful—that part of ourselves that knows the truth and would remember that all is not well even in the best of households and there were dark and gloomy moments growing up, because no family, no household, no parent, is ever perfect. And so how do we heal the wounds of our past?
Remember that our greatest source of healing and hope for the future is sitting right next to us. Imago teaches us that the wounds of our past are sort of “freeze-dried” in us in our memories of our original caretakers, and that we choose our partners because they can kind of “reconstitute” in themselves our memories of those woundings. So, what do we do when we are frustrated and exasperated to find another version of our imperfect parents in our beloved partner—who “used to be” so much fun and seemed endlessly devoted to meeting our every need?
We can choose to wake up, acknowledge that we have been “sleep-walking” through romance and romantic love, and accept the reality that conflict is supposed to happen, it is part of Nature’s (or God’s) plan for us to heal. But we don’t heal if we run from the pain and the truth—which feels devastating to us if our beloved partner has become overnight a royal pain to us, instead of the sourcee of joy s/he used to be. Again, Imago teaches us that we have chosen this particular partner so that we can heal our wounds from childhood, so that we can finish the unfinished business with our original caretakers.
We can be aware that conflict is supposed to happen, that it is about our psyche trying to heal itself by pushing up against the same, or similar, kinds of difficult issues that remind us of the caretaker at whose hands we suffered similar kinds of wounding. How cruel could this be? You might ask, to be tortured by our loved one, in ways that resemble the torture we thought we had
We can try something new. We can celebrate the holidays in a new way. We can make a decision to be conscious and intentional in our relationship throughout the holidays. We can remember the basic principles without which we do not have real love, but something else: without Empathy, Respect, and Authenticity, we are like the proverbial fire that wants to blaze but is missing one of the key components—heat, oxygen and fuel. It takes all three to have a fire, just as it takes empathy, respect and authenticity to have real love.
We can practice the principles of real love, we can reach out to our partners, to all of our loved ones, and dialogue with them. The founder of Imago relationship Therapy, Dr. Harville Hendrix, lists six indispensable principles of real love for passionate friends, for intimate partners. But adapted slightly, they are all useful for children, friends, and family:

What are the six basic principles of practicing True Love?

FIRST, sit down and communicate with our partner about the wounds we received in our childhood.

SECOND, we can tell our partners exactly what we need in order to feel loved and care for.

THIRD, we can cooperate with our partners to re-channel and re-structure old reactive behaviors (like flight-fight reactions) into practicable strategies for loving and caring for each other, along with meeting personal needs.

FOURTH, we can begin to dismantle beliefs from childhood that are inappropriate in an adult loving relationship.

FIFTH, we can replace inappropriate behaviors and defense strategies—like judgment and criticism of our partner—with appropriate strategies—like asking for a dialogue.

SIXTH, we can stretch ourselves out of old, entrenched habits, and give our partner what s/he wants.