Imago Relationship Therapy - Life & Relationship Coaches - Janis McCann PhD & David McCann PhD

NEWSLETTER

November 2006
How Does Imago Relationship Therapy Differ from other Relationship Therapies?
by David McCann, Ph.D. & Janis McCann, Ph.D.

Let us begin by looking at the ways Imago is related to and shares many of the same concerns as other therapies.

The family is the nest in which human beings are nurtured. Therefore, the relationship between mothers and fathers is the crucible through which we all must pass.
If this relationship is healthy and sound, and provides a good enough foundation for a fragile child to stand, meaning that s/he learns about the basics of human relationships and how to live in them—how to be supported and safe at the same time feeling recognized and loved—then the world becomes a better place to live.
If this relationship is not sound, and is characterized by conflict, tension, “power struggles,” feelings of contempt, hostility, and constant questioning whether the partner is the “right one,” or if marrying this partner was the “right” decision--then the real work of relationship begins.
In order for this work to begin, both members of the coupleship need to recognize that neither one is solely responsible for the troubles, but it takes two to dance: the old stances in the old dances no longer work and are producing more pain than pleasure.
The key to transforming the relationship is awareness and increasing consciousness. Coming to awareness means that each member of the dyad recognizes his or her role in the dramas that have taken place, and that criticizing and judging the partner can never repair the relationship.
Part of this new awareness is that the couple has gotten into trouble by both participating in the power struggle; hence they can get out of trouble by co-creating a positive, healthy, and loving relationship. Committing to work on their relationship means they are willing to look deeply within and find not only the sources of their power struggle, but also to find resources of love, compassion and understanding upon which intimacy can be constructed.

The greatest challenge any couple faces is living with the seeming contradiction of the relationship paradigm—namely that there is no such thing as an individual, that no one is an island, completely independent and self-sufficient, since we are all connected within a universe of interrelationships. So, how do we live in relationship, at the same time not losing our own uniqueness and individuality or our capacity to stay connected.

Conflict and tension in a relationship are not incompatible with love. To the contrary, conflict faced and walked and talked through can be the soup or stew out of which a great relationship is cooked up. So, conflict does not signal the end of relationship, but rather can offer the beginnings of a good one if the problems and conflicts are faced head-on and worked through.

Any marriage/relationship therapy worth its salt will have derived some kind of structure through which the relationship can be transformed into the one of the couple’s dreams rather than their nightmares, and this will appear somewhat “artificial” to the non-initiated. Some call it “dialogue,” others call it “encounter.” Whatever the specific differences, the purpose of the structure is to bring the couple back to their love and compassion.

So now let us consider how Imago Relationship Therapy distinguishes itself from all the others:

Although Imago was created for married couples, any couple in a committed relationship, whether married or not, is welcomed and can derive great benefit from the process. This includes relationships such as friends, adult siblings, adult children and parents, men and women living together, etc.
Imago Relationship Therapy is designed to be therapeutic--to empower couples to do the work of mutual healing. While communicating and dialoguing are essential components of the process, they are not the only part of the work.

Imago Relationship Therapy is based on the tenet of developmental psychology that tells us that the past weighs heavily on the present; that means that any sharp conflict in the coupleship is intense to the degree that it is evoking deep emotional experiences from the past; and that can be woundedness from other relationships in the past—most importantly the roots of that pain can go back into each individual’s childhood development.

In Imago Therapy couples learn that the behavior that contributes to the distress is primarily reactive, a way of protecting themselves from earlier pain and fear, and tends to be outside their conscious awareness. Becoming aware of their reactivity helps them learn how to become more conscious and intentional in the relationship.

Awareness includes discovering the wounding in oneself and one's partner that leads to reactive behavior. Couples re-image themselves, their partner, and the behavior, in light of what they learn about each other. They begin to see the distress in their relationship as a path to healing and wholeness for both.

Changes in behavior are made as partners learn to create a corrective experience for their partner’s past wounding. And, paradoxically, the very thing the partner needs for healing brings forth the denied or disowned part of one's self that needs to be reclaimed.

IRT emphasizes the need and to create emotional “safety” for each partner. Couples tend to be completely unaware of how their speech and behavior trigger the childhood pain and fear of their partner, and make them 'unsafe' for their partner.

IRT is a two-pronged approach--through becoming conscious and intentional in the relationship, couples do the work of--healing the childhood wound and reclaiming the denied parts of the self,bringing caring behaviors back into the relationship.

The Dialogue process in IRT is designed not only for improving communication about volatile issues, but also for creating emotional “safety” and assisting the healing process. The basic tool is used in a variety of communication skills and processes to access the roots of pain and fear in the relationship and to facilitate behavioral change.
IRT was developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a Pastoral Counselor and licensed marriage therapist, along with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. It represents a synthesis of the best features of depth psychology, psychotherapy, communication theory, as well as the burgeoning field of “interpersonal neurobiology.” While Dr. Hendrix presents his system of therapy in psychological language, couples with religious background will recognize the sacredness of their work in this process. They become more conscious that we all have the capacity to be “wounded healers” for one another, and that the journey to wholeness in relationship is the journey of holiness.

Thanks to Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW, Orlando, Florida, for the inspiration for this article.